"I know you suffer, I see it day by day. Are you sure you do not suffer needlessly? There are other ways, Frodo, other paths we might take."

"I know you suffer, I see it day by day. Are you sure you do not suffer needlessly? There are other ways, Frodo, other paths we might take."

I'm still astounded by how well Tolkien seems to know my life.  Maybe it's that he knew a lot about life and shared everything he learned throughout his life through perfectly worded quotes like those I have used in my blog thus far. Yet Tolkien wrote this based on a life of experience yet I seem to go through something relatable, no matter how minute.

Because I will not solely be focusing on my Christmas break and what I've done since December 2nd, it was great and relaxing. I really enjoyed having all of the time off of school and got a chance to meet some off my extended host family.  New Year's Eve was definitely one to remember and as will all time I've had off of school, I spent a fare amount of time with my exchange students friends just sitting in each other's company talking and drinking tea, always a good time.

Since being in Spain I've been keeping a journal of all my random thoughts and feelings. Some of my entries can be very philosophical trying to figure out the problems of the world and what it means to be part of a different culture. Others are just me complaining about my host mom or how I have no friends. Through this I've discovered that no matter how catastrophic my problems feel at that moment, writing them down usually helps me realize they are nothing. Plus, if I can't even write more than 3 sentence about something that's been on my mind all day, chances are it's really not that big of a deal.

I've you've ever talked to me for more than an hour and really gotten to experience my rambling and deeper inner thoughts, you'd know that I over think everything.  Like mentioned in a previous blog post, my head is constantly spinning with millions of thoughts and questions. And given 6 hours a day to sit and dwell on them is doing interesting things to my psyche.

Many people who have gone on exchange before me have said this year will be the best of my life.  I don't necessarily think that is true. Instead I prefer to think of what another wise Rotex (ex- exchange student) said, this probably won't be the best year of your life, but it will be the year where you change the most and learn the most about yourself. I've changed in countless ways, some which I likely haven't even noticed yet and won't until someone points them out for me. One of the main things I have been seeing change in myself is my strength. This blog post was prompted by a link my dad emailed me. He sent me it a month ago and I never bothered to read it until today.  It talks about the difference between being fragile and antifragile. As I read through it I realized how much of me has changed since coming to Spain.

First off a little synopsis. The article talked about a book called Antifragile: Things That Gain from Disorder. Antifragile simply means the opposite of fragile, that instead of breaking under pressure and stress, adversity makes an antifragile thing stronger. Each time something falls apart, the antifragile thing comes away stronger and more prepared than before. Clearly the article explains it way more in depth than me and if you do have time I would highly recommend reading it. Even if you just read the intro it would be a huge help to understanding what I will try to explain. Here it is: http://www.artofmanliness.com/2013/12/03/beyond-sissy-resilience-on-becoming-antifragile/

Because I have been living in a foreign country, completely out of my comfort zone and with a family very different from mine back home, I would say I have been under a lot of stress and adversity.

At the beginning of my year I was so concerned with doing my year right.  Like a fragile person constantly trying to look for the optimism and not leaving room for fault, I tried to be completely perfect right off the bat. As far as making friends go, I waited around for people to come to me rather than blundering my way through my first weeks and in doing that making friends with those who helped me. Instead I tried to be perfectly on time to everything, know people's expectations of me and do everything perfectly before it was even asked.  I realize now all I did was hurt myself. Same goes for my host family.  As I came into my house I was given a few rules about do's and don'ts, but certainly not all of them.  I tired to go about living without stepping on anyone's toes and it proved impossible! I didn't know what spoons and cups to use, not to rinse my dishes, not to sit in front of the open window or set things on my bed. I didn't know not to walk around the house without shoes on or not to leave stop on top of my desk.  So many little things which I had no way of knowing, yet I got down on myself each time.  By trying to be perfect I only made myself more vulnerable.  Each time my host mom added a new rule I would fall all the way down to where I began. Everything I had done up till that point to make myself comfortable in my house came crashing down once I could no longer sit on my bed unless for sleeping or I needed to keep all my bags downstairs on a hook.  The first couple of times this happened it took me over a week to work myself back up to being comfortable again. I always felt so broken and out of place, but always got back up using strength I didn't know I had.

Each time my world of walking on egg shells came crashing down, I became stronger and it started taking me less time to recover.  Now, 4 months passed, it only takes me 10 minutes of getting used to. My host mom adds a new rule and as always it catches me off guard and I freak for a second, but then I always realize that adding this small thing to my daily routine is nothing compared to what all I have done in the past. 10 minutes or less then I move on with my life. I'm so much stronger than I was before and each new obstacle becomes less and less scary.

I'm slowly developing my antifragile shell. When my world I shattered all there is left to do now is grow from it. Bounce back and be even stronger than I was before. Don't get me wrong, I still worry about a million different things, but now I know that failing is something to be excited about, that the randomness of life is what makes you stronger.

I'm only 18 and have a world of experiences before me. If I'm already padded with the strength I've received from other mishaps, each failure will seem that much stronger.

So I may not be traveling and adventuring all around Europe like I planned, having the best year of my life, but I believe I got something better. Through this crazy whirlwind of emotions and feelings, I'm discovering my strengths and weaknesses, as well as parts of my character I didn't know existed before. Truly a gift in itself. To be stripped of everything so you are able to see who you are and what is important to you.

So as Tolkien put it, I may be suffering, but suffering needlessly. There are other ways to go about it and I will likely end up stronger than I ever was before.


Just a small part of my mental journey I wanted to share with you. And to thank Rotary Youth Exchange for giving me the opportunity to discover these things about myself as well as grow as a person.

Some day all of these random thoughts and journal entries I have will make me a better person, if not smarter about the world. And that's the point of all of this isn't it?